One week before Christmas Eve (Dec 17th) my mom and I went out Christmas shopping at the local mall. We bought presents for my dad and niece and had a really good time together. You know family bonding and all that.

My niece was especially spoiled by my mom. My mom always asks her “What kind of love do we have?” and my niece always answers: “Forever love”. So my mom got her a customized heart pendent. On one side it says… well it’s obvious what both sides say I guess. But it’s really cute and apparently it was a huge hit with her when she opened it on Christmas Eve. She’s a good kid though and she’ll remember it forever.

We went to Red Robin afterwards. I’d not been there before but I certainly wish to go back. Mmm… their milkshakes are sooooo good. Great hamburgers and spicy fries too.

Got to use my new cell phone I’d just gotten that day when we had to split up and find a way to meet up. Having something ring in my coat pocket nearly gave me a heart attack. Take some getting used to.

Managed to get a treat for myself too. A new, fancy beard trimmer which is great as there’s no attachments you just move the dial to the setting you want, you can use it charged or with a cord, came with a case to keep it all in, and it even vacuums the hairs up as you trim reducing the mess. I also got a… uh… nose hair trimmer because apparently that is needed now. *sighs*

Mostly what I’ll remember though is just spending some time with my mom and getting a little Christmas cheer which almost managed to go by without my noticing this year. It came and went so fast!

Looking ahead to next year… I’m hoping… there might be another woman to spend my holiday with too. Where oh where are you my dragoness?

My favorite gifts that Santa brought me this year (i.e. my very loving family):

Dragon Ring: Imagine the ring with a very deep purple/blue stone depending on the light. I’ve named the dragon “Whimsy” of course! It’s my very favorite gift this year.

The Razer Naga MMO Gaming Mouse: It’s hard to get used to but once I do look out! Will I finally stop being a point & clicker? Hope so! It looks even sexier in person with the blue being daker and more eerie and the logo fading in and out. It looks like it has been enchanted. A mouse of the arcane indeed. Who needs engineers?

Dragon Age: Origins: I’m all about storytelling and Bioware always delivers. However this time I’m told they have really upped their craft. I’ve barely started but already the lore is the most in-depth I’ve ever seen from an original setting with no prior games. Even only having dipped my toes in so far there is a feeling of being part of a truly epic story. The music, the character interactions, the lore, I think this is going to be something really special. And the mapmaker is supposed to be incredible. I can’t wait to tinker with that too!

In addition I got the collector’s edition of the strategy guide which includes 50 pages of lore that the normal version does not as well as additional pages with concept art, an interview with the creators, and it is also hardback. I mention it because it is the most enjoyable strategy guide I can remember buying. Though it has the usual walkthroughs a good portion of the book is dedicated to FUN stuff. Lore, tactics, character builds, and how to interact with the characters. And the production values are fantastic. I enjoy just looking through it.  The World of Warcraft strategy guides could learn a thing or three from this one. I highly recommend this version of the strategy guide to anyone interested in the game.

To everyone out there I hope you got the sugar plums you were dreaming of as well.

If 2010 is the year that is supposed to be the turning point in my life then what exactly are my goals for this year? What am I aiming for?

After all if I were a character in World of Warcraft I’d be trying to do specific things to earn an achievement right?

It’s a good way to approach something in real life too. It helps keep you focused. So without further ado here are my goals for the year 2010…

The 2010 questline:

-Dragon Ring: I’ve found a ring that is just me. I must have it. It has nothing to do with changing myself for the better but the self-image I have of myself has me with this ring. It’s like I can feel it there on my finger already. It might be shallow or materialistic but I just want it and it will serve as a constant reminder of what I’m working for during the coming year. And when I’ve reached where I want to be it will serve as a reminder of how far I have come. I imagine it will become quite sentimental to me.

-Dragon Age: Origin mapmaker: This game really seems to have all the tools needed to tell your own epic story. I’d really like to delve deeply into it’s editor and see what I can do. Sounds like an awesomely creative thing to do.

-Find my dragoness: I hope to be settled enough in my life to at least be keeping a look out for a possible future Mrs. DragonWhimsy. And who knows I just might run into her this upcoming year.

-Get a dependable financial income & become more independent: Pretty simple. Time to become a real person. Like mature and stuff. Well not really but as close as I’ll ever get short of having children.

-Get mounted: Having done the above I really need dependable transport.

-Learn to draw dragons: Having completed and gotten decent in all the techniques and poses in chapter one of DragonArt. Have fun!

-Research/world building/outline for “the project”: Finish these for my novel series and hopefully begin full out writing. It’s a busy year so full fury writing will have to be one of 2011’s goals.

-Switch from briefs to boxers: For serious. Sometimes one does something just because they always have. But time for a change. Boxers are more comfy, can show more individual personality, and I personally find them both more relaxed and more sexy.

-Well groomed in an on-going manner: Not that I didn’t bathe or brush my teeth or anything. But there’s just being hygienic and there’s being SHARP. I’d like to err a little more toward the sharp side.

As mentioned in my last post I have set myself a goal of where I want to be… a person I want to become… and that I have a year to get there. Not being one to waste time I’ve taken the first few steps along that journey already.

Step one: I’ve always wanted to draw. Well no more excuses. With some of my birthday monies I bought DragonArt by J "NeonDragon" Peffer. This book is 127 pages of easy to follow instructions on how to draw dragons.

I’ll say right now I love this book.

It’s in full color, softbound but of high-quality glossy paper, and attractive and well laid out. The artist’s *cough* whimsical humor is evident throughout. And it is very easy to follow along.

She starts off with an introduction that introduces the reader to some basic concepts and then launches right into how to draw a basic dragon, slowly advancing the reader step-by-step to drawing ever more complicated dragons, covering many different angles and poses.

I have yet to begin my instruction using the book but it looks easy enough the way she has it laid out. And the fact the book is in full color is more than just eye candy, as the lines you are to draw in the current step are in red while the previous lines are in blue, making it very easy to keep track of what it is you’re supposed to be doing.

All-in-all it looks like a lot of fun. I can’t wait to see how far I’ll come on dragon drawing by my next birthday (see why it’s such a good birthday gift?).

Step two: I’ve been looking back into the past in recent weeks and I’ve realized I’d really wished I’d been journaling all these things. It doesn’t seem right that my character’s lives are chronicled so well but I pay so little to writing about myself until heartbreak comes.

All that changes now. I will be on a journey of sorts over the next year and it should be chronicled even if just for myself. It will keep me on track. Very important if I want to get where I want to go.

I’ve started a new blog which will act as my journal. You know… for the typist. Yeah seriously. For real even.

This has the added benefit that DragonWhimsy.net can go back to being what it was supposed to be about: character fiction and role-playing articles (the later of which I DO intend to start posting like I originally promised).

And for that reason, THIS blog was born.

I don’t want to dwell on her here. This journal is about moving on from her and becoming the person I want to be. I think what she has given me should be honored here first however.

And…

I should say goodbye, even if she is unlikely to ever read this.

…………

I will always remember you Tara. You were the first person I ever fell in love with. You were loving, playful, adoring, so very sweet, and sensual… all at the same time. You made me feel good to be me. You gave me a glimpse of what I always wanted.

You were my Lioness. Both cuddly and sexy.

I enjoyed spending time with you so very much. I could talk to you for hours without end (and did). It didn’t matter what we were talking about. I just wanted to hear the sound of your voice.

It still seems strange I will never hear that voice again. Never see you on webcam. Never see your smile.

No more *growly purrs*.

You made me feel like I wasn’t alone for the first time in my life.  Now that it’s over I wouldn’t undo it. I will always treasure the memory. Or will when the pain dies a little more.

I know our relationship wasn’t real. It was a dream we both created because we needed it. I wasn’t ready yet while being so very far away and you were too much in a rush to let a normal relationship grow. You need to live NOW while you can.

You needed someone nearby. You needed someone with their life together. Not someone still trying to figure it all out. You’re doing that yourself already. If we’d had more time… maybe it could have worked. Maybe we could have fixed them together as partners. But you simply don’t have time for that. It’s now or never for you.

You gave me my happiest moments in life so far. I’m bitter about that… because they weren’t your happiest. Yours were with… him. But a gift is a gift. I still had that moment and nothing can take it away from me. And having had it, I know I can have it again with someone else.

I know I will in fact.

I wish you luck with him. I understand why you did what you did. I don’t blame you for it anymore. You handled it wrong, and if you’d been honest we could have still been friends. But I don’t hate you for it.

I hope the years you’re allowed with him are the brightest and most joyful of your life and you are never given reason to regret your choice.

Live well Tara.

-For the last time, your Tiger.

It’s been a week since my last post and nearly three weeks since the official breakup. Has it really been so long? It seems like last night… except it also seems like an eternity ago.

A lot has happened in the last week. I’ve gone through everything I have on my computer that had to do with her. Chatlogs, e-mail, pictures, all of it. I dreaded doing it. I knew it would bring up so much sadness and regret. But I also knew I needed to do it. I needed to embrace what we had one last time so I could let her go. So much warmth and caring. I was reminded that she did love me once. She had to have. All of that couldn’t have been an act. And that means I can be loved again.

After I was done I put it all in a folder and buried it as deep in my computer and hit “invisible”. It’s there still. I can’t delete nearly a year of my life… or all evidence of the first person I ever loved. But it’s all out of sight and out of mind. I’m not going to look at it again for a very long time I think.

I also had a birthday. This means I’m a year older. This would normally depress me, in fact it should depress me MORE now as I’m further from where I wanted to be than I was earlier this year.

Except I don’t think I AM further away after all. I learned so much from being with her… about relationships and about myself. What I’m looking for. I don’t think I was ready to be in a relationship when I met her despite how much I wanted to be in one. I’m a lot closer to being there now however. I think NEXT time I will be ready if I can find the right woman.

I just need to get over the last one first.

And I need to get my own life straightened out too.

I’ve done nothing but think about this topic for almost three weeks now. And I’ve come to this conclusion: this is a do-over. Not just for relationships but for everything. My entire life. It’s time to become the person I want to be. It’s time I put as much effort into myself as I do my in-game avatars. The woman I eventually find needs to be worthy of the love I can lavish on her. But I need to be worthy of her too.

This will mean less time in World of Warcraft to an extent. But I’m not going away. I do not see World of Warcraft as a negative experience in the slightest. In fact I know if I hadn’t been playing WoW I’d have been doing something less productive. It wouldn’t have changed a thing for me. At least in the game I’ve met some good people, had a chance to express my creativity, practiced writing, and learned a lot about myself. More than I would have without the game I think.

It’s not about leaving. It’s about finding a balance.

The hardest part isn’t leaving the game-play, or even the role-playing. It’s that after three years in the game I’m used to never being alone. There’s always someone on. There’s always chatter to listen to. There is always someone to talk to. I was such a loner once and now I can’t stand to be alone for even a moment.

AIM only helps so much. Maybe Battle.net 2.0 will solve this little problem for me. Blizzard just needs to HURRY UP ALREADY!

I made a vow to myself right before my birthday: One year from now my life will be back on track, I will have a steady financial income, I will have gotten in  the habit of writing more and be drawing, and I will be a whole and complete person and ready to meet my future wife.

2010 is my year. I intend it to be the pivotal moment in my life. Everything is going to change forever.

Repost from Dragonwhimsy.net from Nov 9th, 2009 because it was important.

The title is a song by Avril Lavigne and it pretty much represents my entire life at the moment. Not Rhune’s life or Ruby’s life, but their typists. Probably didn’t notice right? No you probably didn’t. I’m too good at pretending everything is fine.

But everything is not fine. I am NOT alright. Sometimes I wonder how it is no one around me has noticed.

Deep within my own mind I scream and rage… cry and lay broken… and when I do not feel those I am too numb to feel anything.

Time has passed since we ended. I thought the feelings were supposed to fade? They’re not fading. I don’t think it’s supposed to be this way. I think something is wrong.

It’s not like I haven’t had closure. I know why we broke up. I know where things went wrong. I’ve had my last conversation with her. I’ve gotten to say goodbye. The feelings should be fading now. I’ve done everything one is supposed to in order to move on.

I really should. She certainly has.

I have certainly tried. But then I’ll remember the sound of her voice, her playful smile, her loving words. They still make me smile, how do you let something like that go?

I need to dump all her e-mails and pictures. I need to delete the link to her photobucket and pandora profile pages. I REALLY need to eliminate her from my gmail contact list. Seeing when she is online is not helpful. Nor is her gmail contact picture amusing and cute as it is, as it always is no matter how many times she changes it.

I realize that. I really do.

Maybe tomorrow.

Interesting fact: Did you know if the sorrow is great enough you can scream and it’s completely silent? I do. Never felt so close to Faylian either. Which is why I don’t play her currently.