I don’t want to dwell on her here. This journal is about moving on from her and becoming the person I want to be. I think what she has given me should be honored here first however.

And…

I should say goodbye, even if she is unlikely to ever read this.

…………

I will always remember you Tara. You were the first person I ever fell in love with. You were loving, playful, adoring, so very sweet, and sensual… all at the same time. You made me feel good to be me. You gave me a glimpse of what I always wanted.

You were my Lioness. Both cuddly and sexy.

I enjoyed spending time with you so very much. I could talk to you for hours without end (and did). It didn’t matter what we were talking about. I just wanted to hear the sound of your voice.

It still seems strange I will never hear that voice again. Never see you on webcam. Never see your smile.

No more *growly purrs*.

You made me feel like I wasn’t alone for the first time in my life.  Now that it’s over I wouldn’t undo it. I will always treasure the memory. Or will when the pain dies a little more.

I know our relationship wasn’t real. It was a dream we both created because we needed it. I wasn’t ready yet while being so very far away and you were too much in a rush to let a normal relationship grow. You need to live NOW while you can.

You needed someone nearby. You needed someone with their life together. Not someone still trying to figure it all out. You’re doing that yourself already. If we’d had more time… maybe it could have worked. Maybe we could have fixed them together as partners. But you simply don’t have time for that. It’s now or never for you.

You gave me my happiest moments in life so far. I’m bitter about that… because they weren’t your happiest. Yours were with… him. But a gift is a gift. I still had that moment and nothing can take it away from me. And having had it, I know I can have it again with someone else.

I know I will in fact.

I wish you luck with him. I understand why you did what you did. I don’t blame you for it anymore. You handled it wrong, and if you’d been honest we could have still been friends. But I don’t hate you for it.

I hope the years you’re allowed with him are the brightest and most joyful of your life and you are never given reason to regret your choice.

Live well Tara.

-For the last time, your Tiger.

It’s been a week since my last post and nearly three weeks since the official breakup. Has it really been so long? It seems like last night… except it also seems like an eternity ago.

A lot has happened in the last week. I’ve gone through everything I have on my computer that had to do with her. Chatlogs, e-mail, pictures, all of it. I dreaded doing it. I knew it would bring up so much sadness and regret. But I also knew I needed to do it. I needed to embrace what we had one last time so I could let her go. So much warmth and caring. I was reminded that she did love me once. She had to have. All of that couldn’t have been an act. And that means I can be loved again.

After I was done I put it all in a folder and buried it as deep in my computer and hit “invisible”. It’s there still. I can’t delete nearly a year of my life… or all evidence of the first person I ever loved. But it’s all out of sight and out of mind. I’m not going to look at it again for a very long time I think.

I also had a birthday. This means I’m a year older. This would normally depress me, in fact it should depress me MORE now as I’m further from where I wanted to be than I was earlier this year.

Except I don’t think I AM further away after all. I learned so much from being with her… about relationships and about myself. What I’m looking for. I don’t think I was ready to be in a relationship when I met her despite how much I wanted to be in one. I’m a lot closer to being there now however. I think NEXT time I will be ready if I can find the right woman.

I just need to get over the last one first.

And I need to get my own life straightened out too.

I’ve done nothing but think about this topic for almost three weeks now. And I’ve come to this conclusion: this is a do-over. Not just for relationships but for everything. My entire life. It’s time to become the person I want to be. It’s time I put as much effort into myself as I do my in-game avatars. The woman I eventually find needs to be worthy of the love I can lavish on her. But I need to be worthy of her too.

This will mean less time in World of Warcraft to an extent. But I’m not going away. I do not see World of Warcraft as a negative experience in the slightest. In fact I know if I hadn’t been playing WoW I’d have been doing something less productive. It wouldn’t have changed a thing for me. At least in the game I’ve met some good people, had a chance to express my creativity, practiced writing, and learned a lot about myself. More than I would have without the game I think.

It’s not about leaving. It’s about finding a balance.

The hardest part isn’t leaving the game-play, or even the role-playing. It’s that after three years in the game I’m used to never being alone. There’s always someone on. There’s always chatter to listen to. There is always someone to talk to. I was such a loner once and now I can’t stand to be alone for even a moment.

AIM only helps so much. Maybe Battle.net 2.0 will solve this little problem for me. Blizzard just needs to HURRY UP ALREADY!

I made a vow to myself right before my birthday: One year from now my life will be back on track, I will have a steady financial income, I will have gotten in  the habit of writing more and be drawing, and I will be a whole and complete person and ready to meet my future wife.

2010 is my year. I intend it to be the pivotal moment in my life. Everything is going to change forever.

Repost from Dragonwhimsy.net from Nov 9th, 2009 because it was important.

The title is a song by Avril Lavigne and it pretty much represents my entire life at the moment. Not Rhune’s life or Ruby’s life, but their typists. Probably didn’t notice right? No you probably didn’t. I’m too good at pretending everything is fine.

But everything is not fine. I am NOT alright. Sometimes I wonder how it is no one around me has noticed.

Deep within my own mind I scream and rage… cry and lay broken… and when I do not feel those I am too numb to feel anything.

Time has passed since we ended. I thought the feelings were supposed to fade? They’re not fading. I don’t think it’s supposed to be this way. I think something is wrong.

It’s not like I haven’t had closure. I know why we broke up. I know where things went wrong. I’ve had my last conversation with her. I’ve gotten to say goodbye. The feelings should be fading now. I’ve done everything one is supposed to in order to move on.

I really should. She certainly has.

I have certainly tried. But then I’ll remember the sound of her voice, her playful smile, her loving words. They still make me smile, how do you let something like that go?

I need to dump all her e-mails and pictures. I need to delete the link to her photobucket and pandora profile pages. I REALLY need to eliminate her from my gmail contact list. Seeing when she is online is not helpful. Nor is her gmail contact picture amusing and cute as it is, as it always is no matter how many times she changes it.

I realize that. I really do.

Maybe tomorrow.

Interesting fact: Did you know if the sorrow is great enough you can scream and it’s completely silent? I do. Never felt so close to Faylian either. Which is why I don’t play her currently.